Your story is fantastic! Your style is otherworldly and original, with a disorientating passivity and melancholic, Romantic aesthetic that combine perfectly. Your use of imagery is really powerful, and the (perfectly normal) silence of the moon suddenly seems unnatural. The pace of the action is almost staccato, with a chaos that troubles the reader as much as the narrator. I love the idea that as the narrator faints, the fog covers her or him in a creepy yet beautiful way. My only suggestion would be that to get past the inelegant “- my dog -“, you could rewrite the phrase as “where my dog Jojo’s grave was”. It isn’t grammatically perfect but would flow better. Congratulations – you have a unique and powerful narrative voice brimming with vitality and aesthetic instinct.
Hello Eduard,
I’m very sorry for the lateness of this comment.
Your story is fantastic! Your style is otherworldly and original, with a disorientating passivity and melancholic, Romantic aesthetic that combine perfectly. Your use of imagery is really powerful, and the (perfectly normal) silence of the moon suddenly seems unnatural. The pace of the action is almost staccato, with a chaos that troubles the reader as much as the narrator. I love the idea that as the narrator faints, the fog covers her or him in a creepy yet beautiful way. My only suggestion would be that to get past the inelegant “- my dog -“, you could rewrite the phrase as “where my dog Jojo’s grave was”. It isn’t grammatically perfect but would flow better. Congratulations – you have a unique and powerful narrative voice brimming with vitality and aesthetic instinct.
All the best,
Elise (Team 100) – Coventry 🙂